hee hee hoo hoo haa haa

I can't believe he amount of time that's passed. It feels like some days are painfully slow, or going too fast to get anything done. This month's over halfway done, and so much has happened. I mentioned how I'd give a more neutral/coherent blurb post kind of summarize wtf has happened this past year. Mostly for me as it's the last time a really want to speak about this, and due to the way alot of posts were done during a really bad CPTSD/relapse. What's been stranger is how many people went through similar series of events that have been unfolding collectively the last 2 months. Shit's in the air, and it's a weird event horizon sort of feel.

Where to start with all this? There’s been so ,much said through this whole year. Not too many people get a front row seat in watching someone go through a spiral and mild psychosis. When reading everything once I was 100% fully grounded, it’s a little depressing. Mostly how preventable things were. The phenomenon of doing everything in your power to go the most difficult route. Wonder if that makes sense. From October all the way to a few weeks/days ago I’ve talked about the series of events that’s led to a decent body of artwork, a new poetry book, and a surreal rabbit hole regarding a friend group. I’ve talked about over the years the various experience with trusting people, and a painful lifetime of backstabby people. I’ve been watching people turn into huge chuds, and just growing worse as they spiral due to AI, the environment, ICE, job security and human rights violation/sickness. There’s also this weird last grasp of message board tier triangulation that’s dying out, doing anything to drag anyone else as the behavior is made extinct. 

You know what Im talking about. Old groups that got chased out to 8chan that made it a tragic art of getting into the heads of the mentally ill online. Dating myself here, I remember these pockets of behavior when there was that nasty ass loli board on the Chans, where watchpeopledie.com was still online. People usually snuffed that out, where the freaky fetish sites held the autism. Shit I used to fuck around the old onision troll groups and people sort of conducted themselves better. Even in the slender chats where one guy was trying to groom a few of us. Shit was taken seriously, but it’s so much harder to do the more these communities grew. In a previous blogpost I briefly talked about helping a parent sort out a grooming situation from a discord server she was in. Not fun, shit over the years I got a pretty good seat hearing middle and high school students talk about some of the most fucked shit. It’s nice hearing kids be vocal about the nastiness, but god…it’s so depressing. IRL things for me have gotten weird. I learned someone I was friends did business with is a rapist. I freaked out cause I’ve had a history of SA, plus spouse and I shared a room with them. The local art groups Im in have a growing ban list too…a lot of weirdos getting outed. A lot of people blacklisted for using AI flyers too. It’s been really wild here in my domain.

I even had to close some ties with a gallery I’ve worked with since 2013. Demographic change, gallery cut, gentrification, inflation, and distance showed my time there was finished. There was also some backhanded remarks that didn’t even register until other peers were remarking the owner’s been crashing out on others. Fake accusations of people receiving special treatment when he’s called out/asked to clarify conflicting information. He’s had a baby and a lot of community support, and the consequences of breeding in these times strikes. No shame on people’s choices, but don’t your family planning leak into your work. Everyone’s in the shit boat. 

So…what head to all of this YEAR OF MASKING PSYCHOSIS?

I’ll just bulletpoint it all.

  •  Get falsely accused along with a few friends of something egregious during a dear friend’s (conflicted on saying former, that's my own crap to parse through) psychological breakdown. (I take it seriously as I have no idea the word spread, person having a history of crashing out/very depressing issues/heavy talk needed I’ve already talked about)

  •  Flashback to event that tied into first attempt in 7th grade (I’ve talked about it already)

  •  Series of events where I spend 2 months catching up to 2 years of interactions to piece together a story of wtf happened. 

  •  Coming to terms with having high functioning cptsd and learning better ways to deal with triggers.

  •  separate from a friend group of 10 years that was important, but found merriment in setting off triggers. 

  •  Several irl things happen such as family secrets tied to memory recovery, first memory, financial stress compounded into other issues where highs and lows grew worse.

  •  Learn someone accused me of using AI to talk, spreading a false story with date changes/totally made up events/triangulation.

  •  IRL things I’ve talked about from march to August (see art posts)

  •  Huge relapse in drinking/chain smoking and spiraling thoughts, get the talk from spouse and get into therapy. 

I’M good. Was nearly confided to bed for nearly 2 weeks. The stress affected My cycle so bad I was in pain for 2 weeks, and bleeding during that tiMe. I think if I didn’t fully let go I might’ve ended up in the hospital. Doing really good, spouse says she’s proud of me, and that it was good to be back. Something like this happened 8 years ago, and it took over a year to get over it due to that being a horrific year (it was the year I had a few failed NC attempts and final year family was physical with me). 

It’s fucking wild seeing people you admired/respected ( I credit one of them for the existence of the mavathatos books) turn into the worst versions of themselves. Then seeing them perform triangulatory behavior trying to convince people so hard of a fake story. It’s depressing, it triggered a lot of disassociation/de realization issues I still struggle with. Feeling not human. I’ve been vocal on those and have people who have been supportive. So much of these posts  I did screamed “I’m having a psych breakdown pls” but it’s just a part of this whole wacky year. I had a prediction right after October and I hate being right, but honestly? If shit didn’t happen certain series of events that’s been leading to good things would not have happened. I ended up resolving so many lifelong issues and body image issues. Marriage grew stronger(people tend to find our dynamic funny, I always say ask and you’d be shocked at things lol). Im back body wise where I was in 2016, met so many people going through parallel situations and them saying the art helped them process those emotions felt…super human. A huge thrill…a high. I’ll take it.

Ended up taking a 4 month hiatus with work stuff for Cherubs, kinda glad I did there’s been so much changing here locally…

Every comment from you all always means the world. Im genuinely so happy after all this time on this site over he years…old and new you all are here find me. Mental shit does get better, certain things happen to make room for shit, but you can’t view that in a pop culture context christian sense. Thank you for reading, thank you for ongoing support and reading My schizophrenic ramblings. I hope maybe one day I’ll get closure. My heart is still where it’s at, it is what it is.

I love you all <3.