There comes a point where you ask how much does real life bleed into your subconscious and affect your dreams. If you ask me you know you have some things to deal with when some faceless person in your dreams says you’re angry all the time.
Germany has passed, school is back, and a few other things are going on as September is beginning to end, along with the impending end of the year 2016. There’s quite a bit I want to say before I disappear and shovel out work in vain hopes of making some form of profit. I wanted to make a post-Germany note on the whole experience I’ve wanted to do for 3 years (according to someone, I loose track of time when I don’t sleep) but I didn’t feel I was able to gather my thoughts properly and spew diarrhea from the mouth.
The whole experience was something else; I was impressed how everyone in the countryside took Sundays off no question asked. It’s something I only see local chik fil a and hobby lobby joints do. There was a sort of peace and flexibility to really touch on some of the dark tomes I’ve always wanted to do, but couldn’t figure out how to execute it without coming off as some edgelord.
The last few years a common theme with dreams have been about teeth falling out, female cuckolding, rape, the fear of settling for mediocrity for a partner, shameful fetishes, and a pleasurable numbing experience of the jaw that’s a mix of your leg falling asleep and masturbating. Ever since April there was a lovers theme as a reaction to life events, I feared I was trading off some of the darker roots of inkwork in favor for something very precious. That lover’s series is still around, sometimes it manifests into something violent, other ones are a bit more private and I debate whether to convert them into full fledge paintings, of perhaps a comic.
With a shoddy Internet connection and the quiet of the countryside that’s uncommon where I live I was able to combine the light ambiguity and the dark themes and push what I can get away with and try to deal with the violent dreams.
I had this paranoid manic tell me that rape dreams don’t mean anything because someone is already doing the act, your mind is trying to tell you what’s going on while in REM sleep. If that were the case I probably would have a few rape children and changed locks a few times. It’s a silly idea, but it’s enough to keep you up in thought with that person constantly saying that. It makes an interesting idea to work with, and now that I’m back in this campus that’s strange about sex and nudity I’m pushing for a more subliminal form of neuroticism, violence, and love in dreams. One thing I noticed is that those who are focus with finding the most obvious tend to overlook subtle imagery that goes over there head, yet will be remembered in a dream or some other point in time. Disguised with a deceivingly happy colors, or the pure white pigments it makes a series of violence and personal destruction look like a happy trip. It’s amazing what colors can make someone perceive a violent, or a loving situation. If I can make people feel as anxious as I do on a daily basis then I’m doing something right.
POST SOFT SKELETON AND BEYOND
I told someone I wanted to do something different with my short time in Germany. I wanted to do something I’m not familiar with, and cross into the threshold of discomfort. There are few images of me that exist online, that’s changed in the last 2 years due to picture happy people in the program. I like the idea of being a faceless cunt with others to interpret what I look like (one of my favorites was when someone thought I would look like a female Trent Reznor with longer hair). I wanted to push more into the personal issues, and dream violence in a different medium. I told someone I was going to do a weird short film just because. It was different and I had no idea how it would happen. Fortunately I had access to a professional camera and editing software to accomplish the technical parts. Having great tracks to select from on this great website was a huge bonus too. The audio portal truly has some very talented people.
The dream thing I admit was extra padding to make the short film sound more sfw depending on the potential quagmire if it should be featured in the thesis show come April. Originally there was never supposed to be distinctive genders in the film, it was difficult to get the test shots done when you’re trying to tell different people the personal anxieties only you can act out with a film that deals with your personal eccentricity. I ended up donning the roles of both the skeleton and the object of affection. To really acquire that sought after anxiety I had to do it because no one will understand your bullshit but you and act it out properly. I had an oversized sweater that made the main protagonist of the SOFT SKELETON appear to be a shapeless blob(moi). I couldn’t get my hands on a chest binder nor was I willing to pick at my utters with duct tape. Doing the painted animations was something entirely new. In high school I used to animate frame-by-frame via ms paint and a 20 dollar tablet. That was abandoned, but doing animation makes me angry and uncomfortable. I could perform my bullshit with the transparencies frame by frame instead of it leaking into my relationships. I was able to reflect on personal aspects on past relationships and noticed that trend. When you think about it, it’s so fucking STUPID. There’s much more significant things that can be used in fights, and something as pathetic as your own issues getting in the way without properly dealing with is just fucking dumb. At least with relationship woes such as cheating it’s easy to walk away and decide shit. Perhaps this has to due with the certain uncertainty of this current shit, or perhaps I’m overthinking it.
To put a long story short I wanted to do something weird in film and make a film that makes me look like king fat fuck with emotional problems. And it was en excuse to burn chicken hearts and livers from the butcher bargain bin. It went well and I thank all the NG musicians for letting me use their music.
Why the “Soft” skeleton? In all honesty it spawned from a song from the band that used the phrase “soft skeleton” I forget the name that was associated with the band but the time period this band was brought up I look at with a knot in my gut and a smile. I remember the uncertainty, new feelings, and trusting that things have a weird way of working out. My love of skeletons combined into this world of sensitive people who are fleshy shells of themselves with vague hints of self-destruction.
If you’ve noticed the past 2 weeks I actually came through with a 4 year promise and started updating the madness comic again. I think it came form wanting to finish old stuff and it’s really a stupid story that’s fun to do. My gift you all of you. I have the comic linked on my websites but I’ll put it HERE. On my blog there’s a story explaining all of the 4 year hiatus in a tumblie bumblie post. The comic updates Mondays and Fridays. BLOG
I’ve also added canvas prints to the store, for those who’ve inquired about prints and based on what was popular I signed and numbers a series of 12 8.5x11 canvas prints for $10. The shipping is uber low too for everyone so if anyone’s interested in that or other stuff they can check that out here
Thesis show will be here before I know it, and I have to be honest with what and why I do it. The last part of this is super personal and I have no idea if I can say it because I’m unsure if it matters to them. I keep saying the artwork will do the talking, but to assume people or whoever you’re trying ot talk to can understand your way of representing thoughts is a bad idea. The cat has a strong hold of my tongue and I wonder if it affects others too. It needs to stop.
PS It’s kind of sad that a bunch of stores put out the Halloween shit up before August ended, but at the same time it makes finding the discount deformed skull candles that look like a deformed fetus easier when October begins.